I haven't told many people about my diagnosis because I can't handle all their questions. Very few people have allowed me to say "I've been diagnosed with diabetes" and return that statement with "Is there anything that I can do?" or "Do you mind if I pray for you?" What I'm often met with is a laundry list of questions "WHAT? How can that be? When did you find out? What are they gonna do? What type are you? Do you have to take insulin? What happened? What are you gonna do now?"
I am sure my friends and family mean well and deep in my heart I want to be able to answer their seemingly never-ending list of questions, but I cannot. Because I'm still asking God "Why?" and all those "What?" questions from others is more than I can bear.
Lately, I've been thinking about all my questions to God:
Why me, I hate chocolate and hardly ever eat sweets?
Why me, I just crossed into my 30s?
Why me, God, just plain and simple why me?
Why me, no one in my immediate family has diabetes?
Why me, I just started going to the gym five days a week?
Why me, I eat vegetables each and every day?
Why me, I don't eat pork, I don't fry, I even go weeks without eating meat each year?
Why me, I'm 40lbs lighter than I was five years ago?
God, I just don't understand.
After not getting answers to those questions within my own time frame (which is immediately), I've decided to transition my questions from Why? to When? So, these are my new questions for God:
When will you heal me and make me whole Father?
When will you bless me like You did the woman in the Bible who had an issue that only you could solve? I have an issue too, Father.
When will you keep your promise to me that "By your stripes, I am healed?"
I'm taking my medication, when will you restore me?
I'm exercising again and eating the proper combination of foods, when will you deliver me?
Without works, my faith is dead, so I'm working and believing--when will you show up and show out?
When will this test become one of my greatest testimonies?
As I am moving from Why? to When? I'm able to see that Why? leads to a dead end. The questions are unproductive. When? allows me to push myself, encourage myself, and remind myself that if I do my part He'll do His part. When? holds me as much accountable for my healing as it does God.
Plus, all those Why? questions could easily be flipped around.
Why did you keep me in good health longer than some other people?
Why did you give me the time to finish school and get married?
Why did you hold off this illness until I had the type of insurance that covers a large portion of these costly expenses?
Why did you give me the sense to go to the ER when the doctor told me it was useless?
Why when my body was on the brink of going into a coma did you keep just enough blood flowing in the right places long enough for me to get assistance?
Why did you remove the taste from my mouth when one more glass of orange juice could have killed me?
Why did you allow me to find out at the onset of this chronic disease while there is yet still hope?
In short, why did you bless me?
Why do you keep on blessing me?
Why are you still carrying me when I looked at those one set of footsteps and thought you had left me to walk alone?
I may not understand, but I thank You!